Barbershop Quartet of Horses
How to Keep an Idiot Busy
If a Dog Were Your Teacher
Stupid Security Competition
A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However, in many different contexts in which we find ourselves, we often see other strategies tried for dealing with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.
9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.
16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
I HAD A "DRUG" PROBLEM WHEN I WAS A YOUNG PERSON AND TEENAGER.
I WAS "DRUG" TO CHURCH ON SUNDAY MORNING ,
I WAS "DRUG" TO CHURCH ON SUNDAY NIGHT,
I WAS "DRUG" TO CHURCH ON WED.NIGHT.
I WAS "DRUG" TO SUNDAY SCHOOL EVERY WEEK,
I WAS "DRUG" TO VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL.
I WAS "DRUG" TO THE FAMILY ALTAR TO READ THE BIBLE AND PRAY.
I WAS ALSO "DRUG" TO THE WOODSHED WHEN I DISOBEYED MY PARENTS.
THOSE "DRUGS" ARE STILL IN MY VEINS, AND THEY AFFECT MY BEHAVIOR IN EVERYTHING I DO AND SAY AND THINK.
THEY ARE STRONGER THAN COCAINE, CRACK OR HEROIN.
IF OUR CHILDREN HAD THIS "DRUG" PROBLEM, AMERICA WOULD CERTAINLY BE A BETTER PLACE.
-- JOHN HAGEE
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just Can't Remember It All
I Suffer from Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping
What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt
If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
Rehab Is for Quitters
My Dog Can Lick Anyone
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software
STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory
HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, A lifetime commitment for a pig
The trouble with life is there's no background music
The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson
MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
Actually Taken From Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER &DRYER $300.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
AND, of course the BEST for Last!
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate. Then I tried to be a chef. I
figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard, so I became a professional fisherman but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
* 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... what? [Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good :>) ]
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
* 10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did
It can buy a house...............But not a home
It can buy a bed..................But not sleep
It can buy a clock................But not time
It can buy you a book..........But not knowledge
It can buy you a position......But not respect
It can buy you medicine.......But not health
It can buy you blood............But not life
So you see money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend, I want to take away your pain and suffering....
So send me all your money ... and I will suffer for you!
CASH ONLY, PLEASE !
A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott.
Nott was shot and Shott was not.
In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott.
Some said that Nott was not shot.
But Shott says that he shot Nott.
It may be that the shot Shott shot shot Nott, but it is also possible that the shot Shott shot shot Shott himself.
The authorities think, however, that the shot Shott shot shot not Shott, but Nott.
It really *is* hard to tell who was shot and who was not, is it not?
The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician are 0.171. (US Dept. of Health Human Services)
Then think about this
The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000 (yes, eighty-million!).
The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention!
THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002
Thanks to URSP master's graduate Christine Melekian
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
I don't remember if I sent this one out.........
I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into
the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get
something and then wonder what I'm here after.
23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...
Chapter 1: Games for when we are older
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Red Rover, Red Rover, the doctor says bend over.
5. Doc Goose.
6. Kick the Bucket.
7. Simon says incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.
Chapter 2: Signs of Menopause
1. You sell your home heating system At a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are NOT amused, you just shoot him.
3. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent sleep.
4. You have to write Post-It notes with your kids' names on them.
5. You change your underwear every time you sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie Troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.
Chapter 3: Signs of Wear
"Old is When".......Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"Old is When"......Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"Old is When"......A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"Old is When"....Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"Old is When"....You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"Old is When"...You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Old is When"..."Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"Old is When"..."Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"Old is When"...An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
Watch this spot for further atrocities.